So! I have been chuffing along at a fairly happy pace recently. Lots of lovely new things in my life; caring and loving partner, his beautiful children, new job in a stunning soul home. Good good!
One day I’ll be ‘like them’ – happy and fulfilled and safe.
One day I’ll be free of the whispers. The small but heavy knowledge that I can’t cope very well and my brain whispers ‘just die now, it’s easier… better for everyone’.
One day there will be happiness and peace and safety.
But that super cool person, with the kind eyes and smile, beautiful family and legion of friends and fans. That super cool person who was (by my shallow view) living my ‘one day’… they killed them self.
So that means I’ll never be safe. That means all my loved ones might not be safe.
I didn’t realise the ‘contagion effect’ was more than an immature cry for attention. I hadn’t considered that suicide in itself is a trigger until it triggered me to want to die. And quickly. Even though I’m finally on my way to my ‘one day’.
I talked, I yelled for help and I’m at my doctor and I will survive because I want to want to live.
But, my oath, if it isn’t bloody hard.