So! I did it. I resisted the multipl urges to cancel a particular friend was instrumental in this with a very well timed check in message. 
Although I have accessed counselling in the past this really did feel like my first ever ‘psychotherapy’ infact there was a “lay back and tell me about your childhood and life leading up to this point” moment! And I did. And it fucking hurt. 

There are painful traumas that I thought were over. Things that I have set to theme music and related to like movie scenes. Blurs that I think would be concrete, episodic memories except there is so much pain peppered there that I think my brain fogged up the glass of my memories lense to protect my fragile little heart. 

My doctor, Dr K, congratulated me for not giving into more maladaptive coping mechanisms. He also congratulated me for using my empathic, emotionally vulnerable self to help other in my work, gently questioning if this is sustainable. 

He pointed out the multiple traumas that I have lived through and pointed out that I am a survivor and strong. I cried. I haven’t done that in counselling for a long time and never with particular focus on my own being. 

Dr K has suggested I will have ongoing, years long psychotherapy to avoid sinking to the depths of depression and dying.

This feels like a beginning. I am still tired and sad and I am not sure what my work life will look like over time. Or who I will be. But I’ve got a glimmer of hope that I might get old now.