It has been such a while since I’ve posted. Not because things have suddenly been fantastically sunny, glitter covered and wonderful. Nor have they been the depths of darkness and dispair. It’s been that low level buzz of normal, people around me may have thought ‘she seems better’ but no – I have just chosen the road of numb okayness.
Maybe people don’t understand this, maybe people think ‘that’s what everyone does’. Well, let me tell you about numb okayness with my depression. With each little stressor one does not shake it off or feel a little ‘ugh’… The thought process is a little more like;
- Someone says ‘what are you doing?’ – my response is WHY DO YOU HATE ME I MAY AS WELL DIE FOR FUCKS SAKE.
- Can’t sleep? – OH MY GOD I’M A PATHETIC DRUG ADDICT I MAY AS WELL JUST DIE WHY AM I SUCH A LOSER OMG.
- I watch a show where someone dies – WELL IF ANYONE IN MY FAMILY DIED I WOULD KILL MYSELF AND I THINK I JUST WANT TO DIE NOW AND MAYBE I WILL RUN AWAY AND NOT BE CONNETCED TO ANYONE BECAUSE IT HURTS.
Like I know that ‘I want to die’ and ‘kill me now’ stuff is like part of our daily lexicon now but I do no mean it that way, obviously. It’s on a more cellular level for me. Like I am ready to finish this now.
New blog post.