Oh my. Oh wow. It has been an age. Like literally – if time can be different to the dominant understanding it has been eons… light years…. Cat years at the very least, since my last post ( a mere 2 human months ago).
I am now in a relationship. It feels secure, safe and beautiful. He is another soul mate in my life. Wonderful, fascinating and loving.
My mental health is still an interesting beast. Against popular belief I’m not mindlessly floating through life thinking ‘ohhh all is wonderful and sparkles because a man…. wow!’ I am struggling.
Anxiety is whispering in my ear ‘now you will die, it can’t be this good’, ‘all your friends will hate you for having a boyfriend’ and so on.
The unachievable yet coveted ‘balance’ is a dream of the past with every waking second yearning to be with him. And then comes guilt – a great friend of depression – saying ‘you’re one of those people, codependent and ditching friends when a man comes along’….
I know these voices are;
- Not mine and/or
- Not real.
So I will resist and go with my heart towards the good thing that I wasn’t expecting or wishing for but have been blessed with, nonetheless.
I am in love with a stunning man. And I’m so happy.